Courage..!

I just read from a blogger a great post… Maybe the greatest post ever… A moment ago i was going down… Like really depressed you kinda guessed the my feelings from my previous post i guess…

I really gotta thank Robyn For the encouragment she gave me… I will continue to read her blog for as long as i can 🙂

You Are Enough… that’s the title… That’s enough… I’m better now… Time to show you Olga… The Olga that i’ve been before my depression… It’s time i fight !!!

Please support me to this…!

1 year now… Big Mistakes…

About a year ago i started this blog… I really thought that doing this i was doing something… As i’ve said before i attended a First aid seminar… 1st November to 2nd November 2014. I loved it..

Actually… I actually fell in love… I met a 26 year-old guy Kostas and… Fell in love… They age gap didn’t matter… The looks didn’t matter… I fell in love with his eyes…

One thing led to another… and we started going out together… I really liked his company… One year ago i would not even acknoweldge my feelings for him… I lost contact with him… And after that… Disaster struck…

During the few weeks i had with him, my sister found- what she called “the love of her life”- -I know what you’ll say : “What life?”- anyway, a guy. The moment i laid eyes on that thing… (He wasn’t even enough tall for my 175 cm, to look straight to his face, i had to look down…) I hated him… I tried to put some reason to my sister but she accused my of jealousy and i dropped it.

Big Mistake…

One night he called me on my self phone -which he got through my sister- it was 3 am (03:00) in the morning, here in Greece. It was December 2014… 13 i think? I picked up… As you know i don’t fall asleep till sunrise… I was startled (ofc :P) and asked him what was going on, if he need any help… I knew he was working as garbageman or something, so to call me at that time was weird… Well, to call me at any time was but i let that aside… I heard loud noises, music and something like glasses fall, he sounded completly fine and i asked him again what was wrong… He said “i just wanted to hear your voise..”

I was startled again… So much i hang up the phone… Not a second after he called again… He asked why i hang up? and i said i was sleepy and i wasn’t in the mood for talking so i said goodnight and hang up again… The next second he called again… My father was up watching TV with me so he asked who it was… I panicked and said it was my friend and that she was acting stupid so i hang up… He kept calling and the next moment i picked up…

“Why did you hang up?” he asked anoid.

“Cause i’m sleeping” i replied.

“C’mon ” he said…

“Without telling me G’night?” he said again…

I said goodnight and hang up again but the moment i hang up my father so the caller’s name… Start yelling at me…

“What’s your bussiness with him?” he said.

“That’s your sister’s boyfriend!!” he said…

“I know that.!! He called me he’s drunk….” i said. I didn’t tell him that he had hit on me… That he told me that if there wasn’t for my sister he would show me what he was all about…

I think of it now and as i did then i still wanna through up…

The next thing i know, my cell’s battery died. I said “thank god” inside of me… Next he calls her (my sis) and starts yelling at her, she cried and the next morning she acussed me of hitting on her boyfriend… All this till my B’day 16 December 2014… Happy birthday to me… Huh?

I tried to warn my parents of his wereabouts…. Every word hit a wall…

Big Mistake…

A week later on Christmas Eve my grandfather dies… 24 December 2014 around 10 a, in the morning (10:00) For me? Huge loss… He was the only one i could talk… I could listen… I loved that old guy… He was my rock… And suddenly i lost it… He was my ground i found my self falling… I was waiting to land… And i did. When that happend it hurt so much… I tried to get back at my feet but i’m still stragling…

Back to that time… Everything went by really fast i found my self in early May 2015… Without having a clue how i got here… (March to April… Dark times for me… Yes even darker… I had english lessons and i didn’t attend, i was on the final race for my degree and i didn’t care… I almost lost all communication with the outside world… I even missed my Cricket practise that i loved so much…) As i was saying i got early May unaware of the time… 5 May 2015? I had to go to a volunteer’s program for a Bear and wolf senctuary, for a week… When i got  there 6 May 2015, Wednesday, i was perfectly fine… Talked with everyone… I had a great time the first 2 days there… Thursday night i woke up around 2 am in the middle of the night, feeling itchy on my face, when i saw my face on the mirror i had a small swallen part on my left lower cheek… I thought ‘That’s propably a mosquito, nothing serious’ and went back to sleep…

Big mistake…

When i woke up in the morning 7:30 am, my face was swallen and red… I felt itchy again… This time everywhere… I called my mother and asked if i could be alergic to something or so… She said yes… And sent me to the farmacy to buy some antiemetics… The pharmacist said that if i started to cough, i would have to get to a hospital, sooner rather than later. Not to drag it to long i went to the hospital about 5 minutes after that… I was rushed in a medical center, (i was in Amintaio, Florina, only 1,000 people best situation) with an anaphylactic shock, (an extreme, often life-threatening allergic reaction to an antigen to which the body has become hypersensitive. In case you didn’t know) and i almost died. An ambulance took me to Florina, the capital, to the hospital there and i was released a couple of hours later with prescription for cortisone pills. Later that night i had a second mild anaphylactic shock…

Well it looked mild to me, but it was stronger… It would have been deadly if not for the cortisone in my system… Yes i had a reaction even with the huge dose of cortisone and antiemetics in my organism… Lucky huh? I was imidiently rushed at the health center again and the hospital 5 minutes later with a breathing mask… All this on May 8th 2015, Friday. A was discharged from the hospital on Sunday, were my Uncle George, my sister nad my cousin Mariangela came to Florina from Corfu, to pick me up… They had come from Saturday but the wouldn’t let me go, so they stayed the night. We were back on May 10th 2015, in the afternoon. Only to realise my true friends.

My sister had broken up with her boyfriend, cause he came in our house while me, my brother and my father were gone out for bussiness, drunk and hit her and my lil sis (5 year old) with my mother trying to take him off, of my big sis. He was choking her… She cried, she screamed, she broke up with him in late April, only to come in Florina to talk with him on the phone again… I said nothing… I had hints… But said nothing… I had had learned my lesson, long ago…

Big mistake…

That’s all i got there I had to pay for the participation for my degree exams… 24 May 2015… I notified my parents… But when the time came, they didn’t have the money…

You see, normally i would say “okay they don’t… Can’t be helped…”

And you would too…

The problem was that on Monday they had the money… Till Thursday the money were gone… Bulgler? Debts? Doctor’s appointemt? Crisis?

No…! My sister’s rent… No she didn’t move to another town… Or abroad… She moved in another house with her so-called boyfried just 3 km away on the late Aplir… She 19 years old and he 20 !

He was working… She was not… They spent a lot of time together… But when they broke up… He went back to every f****ed up place he came from and paied nothing… So my sister had to pay what debts had left… Meaning my father… I said nothing…

Big mistake…

All this for her to get up and move with that son-of-a-b****h on August 15, 2015. She was gone for a month… When the time came that, i knew her arrival was close, i packed my stuff in a suitcase and left them in the closet… My parents reassured that if she was coming back i would go to my Uni in Ioannina, Math department, all alone… No matter what…

I believed them…

Big mistake…

A day came where they had to go and get her. 28 September 2015. The moment she called they run towards her… She whistled and they moved their tales… At first she acted all remorseful… For the first few days… Then she got back to her old self… And everyone was… Happy…

everyone? No… My parents and the 5-year-old. But for my parents this was enough… She was home… Who needed anything else?

I moved to my aunt, the moment they told she was coming…i didn’t… still don’t want her in 100m (least) close to me. They knew…

They knew… They were fully aware that i would go if she came here… They chose her over me… I was hoping otherwise… That they would learn from they’re mistakes… That they wouldn’t put trust in her again, not as much at least, or attension, not as much at least…

Big Mistake…

Leaving the house i took some of her old things with me… When she left, she said she was never coming back, she said she hated as for making her choose… She said she doesn’t need us anymore… She lied… I took the things knowing that from the moment she left -never to return- those things didn’t belong to her… Apparently she thought otherwise… My parents called me every day to ask me to take the things back… To as how i was doing and to make sure i ate… I thought they cared… I thought they loved me…

Big Mistake…

After a lot of crying over words that my father told me… I gave in… Gave the suitcase with all of my belogings in exchange that they would never speak to me again…  Ofc my father took the suitcase and said that he would kill me if i didn’t return home the next morning. 29 September 2015. After that i came back to my aunt’s house…

Yesterday 30 October 2015 i woke up 17:30 or 5:30 pm in the afternoon. I had fallen asleep around 00:00 or 12 am at night the previous day, after a straight 24 hours without sleep, whatsoever. When i woke up, i check my phone for the time… For any calls… Nothing…

No call from them… Or anybody actually… I was waiting…

Big mistake… I guess… I’m not as important as i thought… It’s okay… I guess…

What? How? When? It’s all a mistery??

I’m devastated.. I don’t know.. Maybe i should take anti-depressing pills… A girl that knows nothing about me but my name, told me that my sleeping disorder is actually  psycological problem… And the only thing i was thinking was “Is it too obvious??” There is no way  person like me has no mental issues.. Ok i’m not crazy.. But what if i’m in the f***ing bus towrds Crazyville??

If… If she didn’t know me at all.. And she has never studied pcycology in any University… How is it possible that she knew? She understood?? If it is not obvious… Then how??

Day 2

November SUCKS… Big time…

I couldn’t have worse day than this one.. 😥

My day started perfectly… I had an amazing day… I laughed so hard my lungs almost poped out of my chest.. Then i came home… Αlmost nothing can compare to what i felt that moment… I was like a big track ran over me… They told me… 

The previous day i had taken my litle kitty to the vet. Her name was Sunshine… Because she was so bright as much in colors aa personlity… Beatiful. I asked her to fight… If not for me… Αt least for her… She was sick.. really sick.. The vet said that we could fix it… Tht still had time… We didn’t… The virus was already turning the illness into pneumonia. I hope she didn’t suffer… I hope she ok now… OMG i miss her so much already…. 😥

The burial is is taking place tomorow… Second one… In one week… Noone is safe… Not even from ourself. One touch with each other and it could bring destruction, suffering and pain…

Α LOT OF PEOPLE say: “It was just  bloody cat…. Who cares?”… Well I DO… To me.. My cats, dogs… Even turtles are family…

It never ends you know… The pain… Never… You always seek them.. You ask for them like they’re still around.. If someone ever loved his pet… Without ever call it that way.. That someone knows…

My neighbour has  dog.. She saw me crying a bit before my litle dog’s burial and sked me “Why are you crying?”… I answered back to her that my dog… My sister for 11 years now.. Is dead.. Αnd that we’re going to bury her.. Do you know what she said??? She said that “It’s ok.. Don’t cry.. You’re going to buy another one”…

I said nothing…I stood there watching her… I think my bigest regret is that exact moment… That i didn’t answer…

I’m here…

Am i really? I mean here.. Am i??

I’m a 17-year-old girl.. I basecly have no life… It’s sad.. And not with the good way.

It’s not that i have a blog, or that i’m actually awake in the middle of the night… ( and not because i’m out with friends drinking, but because i have a sleepng desorder) I don’t have a life…

I’ve been wondering for months about it.. Do or don’t i? Well i don’t. I’m 17. I should be out somewhre getting drunk or having fun or anything.. Idk.. why is this happeing? I wanted to study meds… but now?? Not so sure… I love to hep i’m even participating in a seminar that is taking place in my city… In a few hour from now.. Actually in about 2 hours 🙂